Ricardo Infanzon, MSW, LSW
Grieving is one of the most painful, grueling, and confusing experiences people go through. It’s not just a moment or an episode, but a prolonged period of varying emotions with no set timeline for a start or an end. The person grieving is already overwhelmed and emotional; they could be going through a divorce, a death, or a severe loss that changed their whole life. That alone is hard enough to navigate, which is why there are so many books and podcasts on the topic, each speaking to the many ways people grieve, since there is no single correct way to do it.
But this piece isn’t about grieving itself; it’s about what to do when someone you care about is going through it. As mentioned, grief is already a whirlwind of emotions and experiences for the person living it. Yet, there are surprisingly few resources that focus on how to support someone who is grieving. And since there’s no “correct” way to grieve, there’s also no simple formula for how to support someone through it.
So what do we actually do? As a friend, a partner, a family member, or anyone who cares for another person, what’s the move? We need to understand there isn’t one foolproof thing that can be done, and that is part of the process. What we can do is be curious, patient, loving, and understanding. Just like the person going through it, we have to take this step by step.
Educate yourself. The first step is understanding what the grieving process actually looks like. Many of us picture the “stages of grief” the way movies portray them, but that’s often just Hollywood drama. People who are grieving may appear normal, even ecstatic and happy, on certain days. They may act recklessly, isolate themselves, or slip into depression. All of this is normal, and as supporters, we need to be ready for any of it. We can’t force a specific outcome or a specific grieving process. We have to adapt and adjust to whatever mood and need the grieving person has. That’s probably one of the hardest parts when we are ready to be there through the sadness or pain, but not through the anger, confusion, unexpected euphoria, or recklessness.
Don’t pressure a “different or better” way to grieve, know when to push. One of the hardest things for someone grieving is feedback, even unintentionally implying they should be further along by now. When they can’t meet that expectation, it creates frustration, shame, and resentment, putting them in fight-or-flight instead of healing. That said, there are moments where a gentle push is warranted, not toward “moving on faster,” but away from something dangerous or self-destructive. The line between holding space and stepping in gets blurry, and this is where curiosity becomes one of our best tools: understanding what someone actually needs before assuming we know. Presenting support with no pressure or ultimatums is almost always the better move. Rarely is too much support the real issue; it’s usually not listening or forcing help that causes harm. This is also where we, as supporters, need to check ourselves: are we showing up for them, or acting to soothe our own discomfort?
Support doesn’t end after the event. Most of us show up mostly in the beginning, in the days right after a death, a miscarriage, a divorce, or whatever the loss may be. We provide food, support, and check in constantly, and then, understandably, life pulls us back into our own routines. Yet the grieving person’s routine doesn’t bounce back the same way, and the calls tend to slow down right around the time they’re starting to feel the full weight of it, but now without the support that was buffering them before. This is often when grief gets harder rather than easier, since the initial shock wears off and the person is left facing the absence while also being expected to return to normalcy. This is even more true for losses that aren’t always publicly acknowledged, like a miscarriage or a divorce, where the wave of support was smaller to begin with and fades even faster. As supporters, the move is simple but not easy: stay present past the point where it feels necessary, be mindful that grief can be a long process, and keep checking in even when we assume they’re “over it,” because they’re probably not; they’ve just stopped expecting anyone to ask.
Support doesn’t need to be anything big. Sometimes people just need company and a person to share the experience with. Most of the time, even in therapy, people just need a space to open up and someone to listen. Allowing a person to voice their pain, talk about memories, or simply not feel alone in the darkness of the situation is plenty from us. Sometimes people don’t need a solution or a herculean effort; sometimes they just need our presence and our regular selves. Distractions, laughs, company, and other small healing moments can be achieved just by being there. A grieving person doesn’t need us to say something profound every time we check in; they need to know we’ll keep checking in. Sitting with someone in silence, watching a show together, or just grabbing food like you always have, can hold just as much weight as any deep conversation about the loss itself. We don’t have to earn our place in someone’s grief by doing something remarkable; we just have to stay close enough that they don’t have to carry it alone.
Supporting someone through grief isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s okay to say the wrong thing sometimes, to struggle, to feel lost and confused; all of that is okay because it’s part of the process. Just as there’s no single correct way to grieve, there’s no single correct way to support someone who is, so don’t worry about getting it “right.” What matters most isn’t precision, it’s presence, staying close, being patient, and being willing to keep showing up even when things get hard and confusing.