Associate Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Culture deeply shapes how we interpret and approach the stressors of daily life, especially in our closest relationships. Culture is the unspoken system of social rules that shapes our most basic assumptions about what we should expect of others and how to connect with them. Our own culture is usually helpful and invisible to us, until you’re doing life with someone with a different of invisible cultural assumptions – whether they’re from a different country, or even just from a different community within your own country.
Common challenges in cross-cultural relationships include differences in:
- Boundaries (Who counts as close family? Is receiving help from family with childcare, finances, or relational issues helpful or intrusive?
- Conflict resolution (Which is more caring or shaming, a direct or subtle approach?)
- Emotions (Do both partners experience emotions the same way? What is their role in the relationship? Is it healthier to express or change them?)
- Gender and sexuality (How have cultural narratives and expectations shaped each partner’s identity, ways of communicating their care, and relationship with vulnerability?)
While every couple navigates some amount of difference due to personality or family background, cultural assumptions go deeper and are more painful and challenging to pinpoint. If unaddressed, differences on this scale quickly cause misunderstandings that undermine the security of our attachment to our partner. We start to question whether we can rely on our partners practically and emotionally and whether they really value and care about us, and we don’t even share the same cultural map of how to reconnect, build trust and convey trustworthiness.
The way forward involves slowing down, releasing our assumptions and exploring our fears, getting curious about how our partner works, and working together to find compromises that are more sustainable for the relationship.
Don’t walk this journey alone! Individual and couple’s counseling can be an invaluable source of support as you navigate the unique challenges and benefits of a cross-cultural relationship.