Licenced Clinical Professional Counselor
The question comes up often: “What do I do if I feel my relationship can benefit from couple’s counseling but my partner refuses to go?” What a difficult position to be in when one person strongly sees how couple’s counseling can help, while the other refuses to entertain the idea.
The truth is that while almost all couples can benefit from couple’s counseling at some point in their relationship, the idea of seeing a couple’s counselor can be incredibly frightening to some people.
If there is any sense of comfort I can provide, it is that you are not alone.
Here are some things to consider if you and your partner are not on the same page about engaging in couple’s counseling.
The first thing I want you to consider is that your partner may be feeling many complex emotions about counseling. It may not be that they simply do not care about you or your relationship. Sharing your most intimate relationship issues with a stranger is a vulnerable position to put yourself in. Your partner may be afraid of judgement. They may not be as ready to process their feelings as you are. They may also be afraid that individual issues may arise that they are not ready to confront. A big one I have heard is “what if our counselor thinks our relationship is doomed?” I want you to consider validating your partner’s fears and avoid taking their resistance as a personal rejection.
Secondly, I encourage you to take a team approach when bringing up the topic. No one wants to feel forced into engaging in couple’s counseling and quite frankly, it will probably not lead to much success. If your partner attended an intake session because you gave them an ultimatum, they may not be fully invested in the process.
You may want to talk about the ways in which you think counseling will strengthen your relationship and perhaps even share some of your fears, going into the process to show them they are not alone with their fears. You can also suggest that you sit down together and search for counselors in your area that may feel like a comfortable fit. This can help your partner feel a sense of control in the process.
So, what happens if you try the recommendations above, but your partner still refuses to engage?
Consider engaging in counseling by yourself. You cannot force someone to go to couples counseling with you. However, you can begin processing your relationship issues on your own and start understanding what changes could be made by you. It is true that the relationship will ultimately require effort from both ends.
However, any changes that you begin to make will undoubtedly impact the relationship. Sometimes the best thing we can do to inspire change is to start changing ourselves. Your partner may become motivated to engage in counseling after they see how much you are gaining from it.
At the end of the day anything that you gain from counseling will benefit you regardless of whether your partner ever ends up joining you or not. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. Additionally, your counselor may be able to provide some resources that you can provide to your partner while they continue to contemplate couples counseling.
Best of luck in your journey!