Attachment theory is credited to John Bowlby, a researcher interested in the relationship and bonds between people, especially long-term relationships between parents and children and romantic partners. Before his research, behaviorists believed that attachment was a learned behavior based on our physical needs for food as babies who could not feed ourselves. Bowlby’s work demonstrated that attachment is an innate and primary motivating force for survival itself. Comfort and care were important driving factors to creating an attachment bond. He theorized that early bonds influenced future relationship patterns based on the internal working models developed about self and others. Positive attachment involves an inner working model that views self as loveable and competent and others as dependable and trustworthy. Throughout our lives, seeking and maintaining contact with others is essential for our survival and overall well-being.
Mary Ainsworth’s famous Strange Situation experiment added to our understanding of attachment theory revealing four patterns of attachment between 12-18 month old children and their mothers: Secure, insecure-ambivalent (anxious) and insecure-avoidant and insecure-disorganized. In the experiment, children were briefly separated from their mothers and then reunited.
Secure attachment:
Children with secure attachment showed distress when separated and happiness when reunited. When frightened, securely attached children sought comfort from caregivers. This behavior suggests that the child has confidence that the caregiver is consistently responsive to the child’s needs for comfort and care.
Anxious (ambivalent) attachment:
Children with ambivalent attachment style become very distressed when separated and express clinging behavior upon reuniting. This behavior suggests that parental availability and responsiveness are limited so these children cannot depend on their caregiver to be there when they need them.
Avoidant (dismissive) attachment:
Children with avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents. They tend to experience physiological distress upon separation but no outward behavioral distress upon separation and do not seek closeness with parents when they return. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver are conditioned to avoid seeking help when they are distressed.
Disorganized attachment:
Children with a disorganized attachment style may seem disoriented, dazed or confused or may display a confusing mix of behaviors. They may become very distressed upon separation but avoid or resist parents upon reuniting. This behavior suggests inconsistent caregiver behavior. Parents may serve both as a source of comfort and a source of fear.
Bowlby explained that consistent availability and responsive care builds trust and that ability to trust extends to intimate relationships in the future. We naturally seek to maintain proximity with those we trust to show up consistently with care. We build confidence in ourselves and our ability to explore the world when we know we have a secure base of support to fall back on. Adult attachment styles are described by levels of anxiety and avoidance.
- Adults with secure attachment styles learned that they can trust others and get their needs met. They have high self-esteem, autonomy and a sense of purpose. They have low anxiety and low avoidants of intimate relationships.
- Adults with anxious/ambivalent attachment styles have a strong fear of abandonment. They experience high relationship anxiety and seek closeness and constant reassurance. They can be comforted by others but learned that comfort and care are an inconsistent resource. They show high anxiety and low avoidance of relationships.
- Adults with avoidance/dismissive attachment styles have difficulty with intimacy and close relationships. They learned that seeking support can cause more distress and it may be safer to depend on themselves. They typically avoid intimacy and experience little distress when relationships end. They show low anxiety and high avoidance in relationships.
- Adults with disorganized attachment styles crave close connection with others but struggle to be vulnerable. They have learned that seeking closeness and care can be rewarding but also dangerous. They often exhibit confusing behaviors that can result in unhealthy relationships marked by toxicity, poor communication, codependency and abuse. They show both high anxiety and high avoidance of intimate relationships.
While attachment styles are strongly influenced by early patterns and past experiences, they can change. Self-awareness of your attachment style and needs, along with positive experiences with others, can help you become more securely attached.