“I hate change.” All sorts of clients express that to me, regardless of their cultural backgrounds, ages, education levels or financial status. I generally reassure them it’s natural to dislike change. It’s an organic fear-based reaction triggered by the unpredictability of life; a very human biological response to potential threats to our safety, stability and perceptions of where and how we fit into the world. Coping with change is one of the most common challenges people bring to therapy.
When Fear of Change Becomes a Problem
However, problems arise when we respond to fear in unhealthy ways, with thoughts and behavior patterns that undermine our well-being and relationships. How intensely do you experience any of these when challenges arise?:
- Overthinking
- Worrying
- Lack of focus
- Confusion
- Exhaustion
These issues may mean you’re inadvertently sabotaging your own sense of empowerment, self esteem and ability to tackle life’s unexpected curve-balls. How can we manage our reactions? A direct, effective route is to accept this concept: Life equals change. From the moment we’re born, we’re evolving, learning and growing. This continues throughout life, in big and little ways, minute by minute, until our uniquely woven life story is complete.
We can try denying change, and barricade the door to our psyche. Then, surprise! Change barges in anyhow because it simply cannot be stopped, and dreading it has strengthened its power over us, and our emotions. We can, however, learn to cope and make change work for us instead of against us. Rather than clutching your pearls and attempting to guard your meticulous life plans, you can welcome it in, maybe offer it a Dr. Pepper, and map out how to work together.
Healthy Ways of Coping with Change
Yes, it’s possible to work with change, even when it’s negative. This, of course, varies greatly from one individual to the next, depending on the impact of past traumas and current array of stressors in one’s life. However, preparation and mindfulness are important ingredients for acceptance of negativity in our lives; we can cultivate both to relieve the pressure stemming from randomness and unpredictability. Emotional acceptance requires understanding that nothing stays the same – everything evolves, some things decay and some things rejuvenate and morph into new shapes. Picture the caterpillar as it becomes a butterfly – life evolves and becomes more beautiful.
Preparing for change means understanding the more tightly we hold onto anything, including other people, the more it hurts when they don’t stay exactly as we expect or prefer. But by holding on loosely to what we love, and learning to understand the flexibility of life, we have a better chance of enjoying each moment rather than worrying about the future and/or dwelling on the past. This mindset often helps reduce anxiety because it manages fear and dread of losing things we care about.
For example, those who have yet to experience the death of a parent can use this mindset to contemplate their passing before crises arise. Advance planning of practical matters before emergencies occur can leave room for individual emotional needs, grieving and caring for others.
What about those horrible changes we don’t see coming, like car accidents, losing jobs or loved ones unexpectedly? These high stress situations can become more tolerable through an essential key: Healthy relationships.
Yes, healthy relationships can be hard to develop and maintain, but they’re a turbo boost toward a life-equals-change mindset. Setting healthy relationships as a priority improves contentment and bolsters the impact of anxiety, sadness and confusion when random threats to our health, safety and welfare barge in unannounced.
The healthiest people I know manage life’s changes – and catastrophes – effectively because they’re able to feel mutually validated when sharing their thoughts, feelings and fears with someone they’ve bonded with. Emotionally healthy people often view isolation as the enemy. No matter how we try to replace quality relationships with money, sex, power and control, there’s no substitute for the support and validation of human bonding, especially when accepting that life equals change. Coping with change gets easier with practice and support. For more on bouncing back from hard seasons, read What Is Resiliency?